Dr. J. Denee
The idea of being broken reeks of weakness, despair, or a point of no return. The honest truth is that it sucks and hurts really bad. So why would anyone want to experience a time or situation in their life when they give up the “fight” to experience “brokenness”?
Brokenness is the experience of realizing that you are unable to control a situation or person when it or the actions of another are likely to hurt you. It refers to your inability to accept what is lurking or happening because you understand that to do so will result in you feeling something close to death.
Brokenness is not a physical experience; it is an emotional disaster that unleashes a storm of feelings without any real idea of when they will stop. Naturally, we take a defensive posture in the mist of an experience that seeks to break us. This sort of thing is difficult for our brains; thus, our bodies to process. As a result, we begin to fight with an inability to discern the real enemy or the ripple effect of the impacts. At worse, we shut others out and our hearts turn to stone. What if I told you that surrendering to brokenness heals?
A few years ago, a friend asked me, “Juanita, why are you fighting?” I expressed that I was fighting because I was afraid. I was afraid of being hurt and left to deal with deep pain on my own at the hands of someone in my life who I depended on for love and support. I was beyond afraid of experiencing this, yet again in my life, and I had not noticed until the moment the question was asked. Yet, so much of my mental space was consumed with protecting all of me from ever feeling so low, abandoned, unloved, and unvalued. That was indeed a dark place for me and I was damn near killing myself to avoid being broken. I was unable to feel my power. My friend asked me a life changing question. She asked me, “What would happen if you stopped fighting? Will you die?” It became clear for me that I was not going to die if I stopped fighting; even if it felt differently. I was not and this alone helped me to feel extreme levels of comfort and safety. I decided to surrender to what I knew was likely to occur and to trust the process would also heal. I allowed myself to experience “brokenness” knowing that healing and renewed sense of love and connection awaited.
Leading Ladies, I had found a “Sweet Spot” that positioned me to build a foxhole, take care of my emotions and ride the waves of the storm until what I perceived as eminent death had passed. Guess what? I did not die, I felt stronger and more empowered. After spending most of my life fighting for what felt like my life, I finally realized that there was another way.
Being a leader within frameworks that are masculine, by design, only amplified and expanded my reasons for fighting. It all felt the same, though; like my life, or something that I can not even identify, depended on my ability to fight and win. So, here what was happening while I was bunkered down in my foxhole:
Made the decision to surrender – the decision is easier than it appears. It was as simple as deciding to detach from the actions of others. I allowed my inner self to go limb and let the storm to its thing. If you are experiencing physical abuse please seek help with getting safe.
Created an emotional bunker – this required proactive thought and planning. I had to ask myself questions like - How can you feel safe until the storm passes? What makes you feel safe? Some suggestions for you are to decide on the chair you will sit in, the comfort object that you may need handy, or someplace that you can retreat to until its over. This will most likely be painful so be prepared to nurture yourself through. Now that you have detached yourself from the actions of others, you can more objectively observe actions and what is being communicated. Watch and listen to determine for yourself if these things feel like love to you.
Critically reflected – after the storm I had to determine if I had the ability to tolerate or endure that storm, again. You will have to ask yourself some whole-hearted questions and answer them honestly. How are the storms impacting your inner health? That is the most basic of questions. Ultimately, with your renewed sense of power and perspective you can begin to approach the situation differently.
Surrendering to brokenness heals because it results in new perspectives and an open mind. I allows for a connection and the an opportunity to sort through your deepest emotions. Brokenness heals because it opens larger and more authentic spaces to love and learn. Fighting brokenness breeds anger and resentment.
Your femininity is nestled in the act of surrendering. Your ability to surrender takes practice but embodies a power that releases self-control. It is through the process of surrendering that the lesson associated with pain is revealed and your femininity is awakened and powered up. On the other side of the surrender is love, freedom and inner balance that brings with it tinkly feelings of joy. Those who are able to embrace the pain of the process will also experience the evolution of a new, more delightful self that will rise to the top after the storm. Give up the fight, beautiful and love yourself through it.